I look around and I see so many great things. I’m a happy gent these days folks, I’ve got a lot of great things going on right now and yet I feel anxious, bothered, antsy. I want it all NOW! Right meow. I am having trouble at the moment living in the now, I keep looking forward and thinking it gets even better. Allow me to reiterate, things are great even now. I’m not thinking this way because I feel down or upset or something I guess I’ve just become greedy with good vibes. Lets break it down; I’ve got an incredible partner to share my life with and our relationship is beyond great, I have fantastic friends around me being awesome as usual, I’ll be off to school this fall on the path to the career I desire, and lots of other small things too around all this great “big” stuff so why can’t I stay in the now? Why is it so difficult?
All I keep thinking the last little while is about my future…our future. All of that kind of stuff like trips we’ll go on, moving in together, marriage, kids, and all kinds of adventures throughout our life together. I also think about things like where will my career take me? I know I want to be a writer in the film/television industry but who knows where I’ll end up or if my passion will change or not. I may end up writing novels, or children’s books, or plays or anything! I may end up writing the most amazing film of my generation or I may have a quiet career with minimal recognition or I may be completely poor because I’m terrible. It can go any way and I very much like that it isn’t a sure thing, it can take me so many different directions. It used to scare me that my future was so uncertain but since finding someone to share that future with its not so scary anymore knowing I have someone to share it all with. I keep in mind that no matter what happens to either of us career-wise we have each other and we can count on that, lean on that on rough days or remember that when things get tough. When someone has your back you feel so safe and confident.
I find myself sifting through my future more and more, imaging all the great memories I’ve yet to make, all the moments I will fall in love with, all the people I’ll meet. I don’t think its unhealthy to look forward and keep track of where you’re headed but I tend to do this more often than the average bear so I need to be wary, be more present. Appreciate what is right in front of me and enjoy the adventures I’m on right now rather than the great ones yet to come. If I can master that then I’ll live a happy life and I want to be happy more than I want to be rich or famous or anything like that. When I grow up I want to be as happy as I am right now. Also, I don’t want to grow up. That however is another issue of mine, a real Peter Pan complex however I’m even getting over that. Baby steps but I even had the thought the other day that I actually enjoy the age I’m at right now for the first time, ever. I always wished I could be a kid forever, oldest would be 13 years old; after that age I was quite unhappy on the inside and I did not look forward to growing up. I do look forward to it now because I want to be a responsible adult, a loving husband and a caring father…someday. For now I’ll settle for being a loving boyfriend, diligent student, and silly man-boy.